Every now and then a grrl runs into a Stone Butch, and since this is not MY social identity I’ll define it cautiously: a Butch whose sexual boundaries around being touched range from non-penetrative genital contact to no contact at all. The term ‘feminizing’ contact is sometimes used which is extremely problematic for me because if I am touching a person who is masculine identified, it doesn’t matter where, with what, how deep, I am touching them, they continue to be a masculine identified person to me. Pillow princes are great fun.

And then there are Stone Femmes, femmes whose sexual boundaries are complimentary to Stone Butches, femmes whose boundaries include not touching butches in ways that include genital contact and/or penetration.

These labels are pretty useful in the dating game. It gets a lot of the compatibility conversation out of the way. I am NOT a Stone Femme and I cannot be involved with someone who is Stone without pushing boundaries. So, it’s good to know and have language around that.

But, my question is, where’s MY label?? I heart labels. I want another one! I usually rely on the Queer to get the point across but, well, I’m no Queerer than a Stone Femme necessarily just a different flavor of Queer. It seems like the labels are harder to apply to Femmes considering the fact that sexual passivity is so often correlated with the gender expression. I mean I could say I’m a hard packin’ femme but that’s not my primary expression, just an added perk. I don’t like to define myself in negatives: ie ‘not a pillow princess’ (all the time) or ‘not a Stone Femme.’ And it’s not the same to have to ask the questions or bring up the subject, which then brings S-E-X into the forefront rather than have a label that provides shorthand.

Why are there no affirmative labels for those of us who have “yes please” boundaries, rather than “no thanks” boundaries. Any suggestions?



  1. skittle Said:

    is there a label for someone who gets-off on post-representationist sex?


  2. thealeticia Said:

    conceptual whore?

  3. yondergen Said:

    Po-ro homo!

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