Desierto

One of the blessings that comes with my current borderland is the opportunity to dream new dreams, big dreams.  My life is changing in unexpected ways, unforeseeable ways and it’s time for me to create and move forward.

This process is painful as much as it is empowering.  It requires a lot of work and a lot of work that must be done alone, spent in my own company, spent toeing the line between solitude and soledad.  This new crossing in my life is demanding in ways I hadn’t experienced in my life to this intense extent.

It’s not just my work situation that is requiring courageous reexamination, it is my Life.  The ways in which I walk through the world, the people I surround myself with, the relationships I enter into, the ways in which I communicate, the ways in which I relate to the sacred, the ways in which I relate to my body and sexuality.  My whole Life is moving further along this path, and I can’t quite see what’s around the next bend in the road.

My new crossing requires a new difficult balancing act.  Surrendering my control, my need to know how, exactly how, things will work out.  Admitting to myself and the universe that I don’t know, and that I’m okay with that, or at least I’m learning how to be okay with that.

It’s hard sharing dreams, big dreams, soul dreams, with people.  It’s especially hard sharing these dreams with new people, with people who don’t have a vested interested in my heart and soul.  It’s hard to do this work without giving in to isolation, without allowing loneliness to consume me.  This is a hard journey and I’m traveling light.  I’m shedding baggage as I go, leaving behind old hurts, leaving behind old disappointments, leaving behind battles lost, leaving behind fears, and leaving behind me the tools that numbed me, that provided escapist ways of coping.

When I close my eyes me veo sola, dressed in white, pelo suelto, naked of masks, of makeup, of jewelry, of facade, of contrivance, of defenses, sola en el desierto, rodeada por sol y arena, expanse of land with nowhere to turn but inward.  The vision I want is of me in community, I want friends, I want a partner, I want children, I want family.  And yet I’ve come to understand that in order to get there in order to reach that I need this time alone to grow and heal.  I need this time alone to not look to others to define me, validate me, I have to SEE myself.  I have to be my own witness now.  I have to come through for myself and step up. I have to walk my talk and sit with my beauty, sit with my fear, sit with my failures, sit with my dreams.  I have to take this time to invest in the most important, precious and beautiful relationship I will ever have: my relationship with myself.  I don’t know how long this will take.  No se si pasen semanas or meses o anos inclusive.  And I have to commit with this in mind, that I don’t know how long it will take.  I have to make the commitment y aceptar that I don’t know how far I’ll walk alone but I’m in it.  And what I do know is that I am going to emerge a more fully me than ever, I know that I will emerge powerful beyond belief, and that I will emerge beautiful and amazing.
I’ve been moving in this direction for some time now, and the time has come to commit.  The time has come to invest in myself in new ways.  The time has come to sit with fear and know I’ll come through this.

And yet do this without isolating.  A balancing act I’ve never been good at.  I isolate in unhealthy ways sometimes, hiding from people, hiding from hurt, hiding from disappointment, taking refuge in loneliness, in anger, in hurt.  The safety of familiar feelings ironic yet comfortable.  This time I have to do this differently.  And through this whole year in my life I’ve been doing it differently.  I’ve been reaching out in ways I didn’t think I’d be able to, I’ve been building friendships that sustain me, that give me room to grow, that give me room to love.  I have to learn now how to balance this intense need to go through my time in the desert and yet not cut off the people who are part of my networks, people who are good for my heart.  And trusting myself to decide when and how and who.  And allowing myself to allow new people into my life and my heart as I move on this journey.  And allowing myself to let old people back in.

When I was young I would fantasize about joining a monastery or a nunnery.  I wish now that I had the means and the time and the luxury to take a long spiritual retreat.  But that too is somewhat escapist.  I need to learn to create that for myself right here in my daily life.  I need to learn to do this in my space, whether I be walking down Magnolia, steps unconsciously keeping the beat of passing reggaeton, or in my room which is my place and where my reality is around me inevitably and inescapably real, whether it be clothes needing to be folded, checkbook needing to be balanced, or a painting begging to be completed.  I need to learn to walk this way, centered and strong.

Siento que todo cambia, y que si sigo este camino, no habra vuelta atras.  I can never go back to being the person I was before, participating in some of the fucked up ways I’ve participated.  I can never go back to hiding my light.

Not only can you not shake hands with a closed fist but you can’t embrace the universe and the adventure of life with arms crossed over your chest to guard corazon.  You can’t embrace love with a closed heart.  You can’t celebrate life with fearful steps.  I am becoming.  I am evolving.  I am going to soar.  Esta nueva frontera que voy a cruzar es completamente desconocida.  I trust myself to know the way.

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