Single life and definitions

Livin’ as a single femme has been an adventure.  As I move away from academia I figure my blog should also follow me as I negotiate new boundaries in other areas of my life.

The short version is that I’ve been single for a while now and trying to negotiate healthy dating has certainly been interesting.  I’ve dated people, some more seriously than others.  I’ve stopped dating people for many reasons, some have remained friends and some have left my life.  I’ve remained single in status the whole time.  I’m not looking to shack up, not looking for any ONE.  I’m really about me right now, about the changes in my life, the lessons I am learning and the amazing adventure of life.

I’ve certainly been blessed to meet some amazing people and I’ve been blessed to return always to the most important lesson of all, that I will never settle for less than I deserve again, whether it hurts, whether it is sad or uncomfortable, whether it hurts me or hurts others.  This is a new way of walking in the world, this knowledge that I have work to do, lessons to learn, borderlands to explore, but ultimately, self love will prevail. 

Relationships are so tricky, especially when relationships do not fit into cookie cutter molds, do not fit into preset definitions, do not fit into the comfortable familiar language of ownership… MY boyfriend/boifriend, MY girlfriend/grrrlfriend… MY partner/wife/husbutch/significant other.  Instead it’s always fun to explain, “No, this is one of the people I am dating.” Or, as someone I dated once said to a nosy bystander in what ended up feeling like a blow off, “I’m with her right NOW.”  Yeah, ouch.  A better solution for me is simply to insist that I not be defined by my relationships to anyone.  I am me.  I prefer to be introduced by my name.  I find that it’s an important boundary for me, I’m not X’s grrlfriend not only because that isn’t the nature of our relationship but because I am not giving up my me to be grrlfriend.  I’m not giving up me to be anything to anyone. 

It’s especially important to me as a femme.  We are so often defined by the butches we happen to be dating, or even if we aren’t dating, even if we just happen to be out in public with a butch, they define us, they mark us as queer and sometimes provide that breath of relief from the tyranical invisibility of passing.  But I’m not a femme because I’m on some butch’s arm.  I’m not a femme because I’m in some butch’s bed or in his/her/hys company.  I am me.  Simply, complexly, fabulously me.  Whether I remain single for the rest of my days or marry the boy/boi/butch/tranny/queer of my dreams (which might be complicated given some of my dreams) I want to be defined by and AS myself.

I define myself.  My boundaries may be fluid and sometimes permeable.  I may cross my own borders and shift my own fronteras but I set them, they are mine and will remain mine.

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1 Comment »

  1. Gregory Said:

    Good luck in your new adventures. I’m going to miss you as a peer here. You added a great deal to classes and always challenged, never afraid to raise a point. Keep in touch.


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