Holidays and trust

I hate the holidays. 

I hate the pressure to wassail, to be joyful and merry.  And this year is difficult for many reasons: no home, no family, no roots, no plans, not a single decoration or sparkly wrapped present in my world.  Self pity is the only tradition I’m currently upholding.

And holidays bring up my issues around trust in a major way.  It takes a lot of trust to believe that someone will be your family.  It takes a lot of trust to believe that friendship embraces and protects.  It takes a lot of trust to be open and vulnerable about loneliness, about solitude, about sadness. 

I had plans for the holidays that fell through for whatever reason.  While that is very painful I have been dealing with the disappointment.  Then I made alternate tentative holiday plans that also fell through for different reasons.  Again I deal with it. 

And now, now that I’m not even sure which coast I’m going to be on, I’m pretty sure that I am going to take the days for myself.  I don’t want plans at this point.  I don’t want to be let down anymore.  I don’t want to rely on friends and ‘family’ that don’t come through.  I want to be alone this time.  I need to rely on myself for this one.  And maybe learn a lesson about whom to trust and with what.  Maybe also prove to myself that I can do it alone.  That I can choose who and what to need to a large extent and that right now what I need more than anything is myself.  And that loneliness sucks but it’s bearable.  

If a lot of ifs were different I know where I’d be: if I had money I’d go celebrate the virgin birth of my best boi friend, if I had money and she weren’t currently upset with me I’d go see another friend that is also family, even though she lives in the cold.   Two people with whom I feel safe, and two people whom I trust with my heart and my tears.  Two people I feel I have refuge in and two people I love dearly.  Or I’d go hang out with my femme friend and sip grrly drinks on the beach while we complain about the complexities of women/females/butches/bois/boys and work on our tans.  Her I trust as well and I miss her. 

Instead though I looked to other people and really took some risks, some of which I regret.  But I learn from these risks.  And I learn daily who my friends are.  And I let myself love them daily.  And I am learning how much I can trust my friends and with what. 

Even though I do wish the holidays were different for me, I have learned important lessons and I have learned where to look for love and friendship.  I am grateful for these lessons.  It’s the season for giving and I love to give to others.  This year I need to give to myself.  That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned this year. 

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