New borderlands

Thinking about borders, about boundaries, about transitions as I move away from my island yet again (cyclical migration rocks), this time with the certainty that while I have an imprint of every single grain of sand in my very soul, that my very essence is shaped by being Boricua, this will not be the place I will be settling in.  So my leaving is poignant, bittersweet as I head to new adventures, sharply aware of what I leave behind.  I don’t know where home will be, I know it won’t be MA but I believe that place that cushions my spirit and fuels my dreams is out there. 

 So, I leave my house, and I ponder my transitions.

 Now that I’m a Master, I have a new set of credentials to flash, as if I gave a fuck about that… but I do, I have to because I have to work harder, try more, be better if I’m gonna make it, overcompensate for my angry queer brown self.  I’m leaving my academic home of years, also a social home, a place that stifled me but also allowed me to grow.  And I gently walk away.  I do look back but I do so carefully, so as not to tread on the sacred within myself.

I left a toxic relationship and my borders have shifted drastically.  As I entertain new possibilities, consider dreaming new dreams, I am aware of the ways in which I’ve changed, how I’ve grown, and how I continue to inhabit love.  Constantly, permanently, within and without, shift and all, I am love.  Powerful and courageous and beautiful, a calla lilly, a bird of paradise, a slightly marred rose, my garden blooms exhuberantly, wild in its enthusiasm.

 I consider my gender evolution and the borderlands I inhabit there as well, as a queer as a femme, as an invisible category I consider the places where I cross over.  Transgression defines some borders.

I love watching my own borderlands change.  No goddamn fences, flux is good as I discover my possibilities widening to include more, to give more.  And the space I inhabit, the land I carry with me in dazzling beauty is so powerful and intense.  From the nightly chirp of coquis, waves beating on the shore, sunshine and laughter, and erudition, and anger, and debate, and the smell of fall air and salty sea, the taste of cherries and mangos, the smell of lechon and tamales, the sound of a tabla and a cuatro, the drums beat beat beating in my blood…  I am becoming daily.  I am shifting constantly. 

My place in the world may shift, the world I walk in changes but I am grounded even without roots.  I hope to find that place where I can set down deep deep roots, where I can be solid and blessed and belong.  In the meanwhile I don’t need to be planted to bloom. 

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2 Comments »

  1. Zuly Said:

    Ay amiguita! Si es que al final, me parece que nos vamos convirtiendo en enredaderas de la vida. Dejamos una raiz de nosotras en cada lugar que vamos y con cada persona que nos roba un pedazo del corazon. Somos privilegiadas, pues podemos hacer de cualquier parte del mundo nuestro lugar, MA, PR e incluso, San Francisco…jijiji Y no necesariamente se trata de que nos planatamos en el lugar, por el lugar en si mismo, sino pq nuestras raices, mas alla de estar pegadas al suelo, estan pegadas a una gente en particular. Ya tu sabes….esa gente de quienes nos enamoramos (amig@s, parejas,familia). Estoy segura que esta nueva gente que te espera, agradecera el momento de tu llegada y lamentara el momento de tu partido, como lo lamentamos aca.
    Pertenecemos al mundo y el mundo, nos pertenece.
    Exito!

  2. M. Ruby Said:

    Amen. A beautiful post. It sounds like you’re doing well and it’s nice to have news of you.

    ~ M


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