Border reflections

As I slowly approach the end of my Master’s and I face the overwhelming agony of Ph.D applications I’m facing yet another border crossing. I’m more in between than before.

I seem to exist on the edges of any potential peer groups. I am in the age group of some junior faculty (give or take a few years) but of course, I still bear the student albatross around my neck.

I am in the age group of some fellow graduate students but my preference for books over beer sometimes seems to put me at the margins.

My students this past semester were also peers but the reality of my being the grade-granting power set boundaries there.

I will soon have the street cred (ivory tower cred?) of another degree but I still don’t have the password to the clubhouse.

I feel like my transitions should take place in the dark. My passing to a new space should take place in silence, secretly, before somebody realizes that I don’t belong; before somebody realizes I’m not white, I’m not 18, not rich, not entitled.

I’m not even a good quiet little latina. A little too loud, a little too bright, too rude, too sassy, too bilingual, too ethnic, a little too wondering what the fuck I’m thinking of applying to go off and get another degree. Calladita before someone realizes I’ve crossed yet another border.

I’ve wandered, yet again into the uncomfortable territory of uncertainty.

And, of course, I love that.

So, if I seem quieter than usual lately, more pensive, a little hesitant, a bit shy… you know why now. I’m crossing. Poco a poco I’m shifting like a bizarre kaleidescope colors flashing, fading, rearranging. New patterns. Quietly slipping past… Silencio…

Silencio, que están durmiendo
los nardos y las azucenas.
No quiero que sepan mis penas,
Porque si me ven llorando morirán.

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2 Comments »

  1. halfawake Said:

    I like the way you describe this process. Congrats on making it through your degree to a new transition.

  2. snoopy Said:

    Is this kind of reflecting upon changes in life what makes woman more proud of their accomplishes and what in the end you will notice that was the spice that kept you craving for more.


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