Today I got most of my stuff out of the office I shared. As I tried not to cry I remembered all the other office spaces I’ve moved out of. All of these transitions have been sad, even when they have been voluntary and positive moves. There is always a lingering sadness and a sense of loss. I will never be the same person I was when I occupied that desk.
A few of the pictures and post cards on my wall at Chardón 408 were also on my wall at State Street and some even at Pioneer Square. Now, they are in a bag on my chair and I am not even wanting to move the stuff. All of a sudden the canister of lysol wipes I kept in the bottom drawer has taken on sentimental value.
My passions, my interests, my dreams were captured on that wall: posters for conferences I’d attended or presented at, human rights cards, cards from friends and postcards from places I’d been, programs from plays and promo from movies, artwork and pictures… nothing major but somehow it all captured a snapshot of who I am.
I turned back when I was leaving and saw the blank wall and I tried my best to be hopeful. I loved sitting there even as I hated wading through stacks of paperwork. I loved it when students would come visit to ask about grades, or every now and then just to chat. I loved sitting there with a friend at another desk and procrastinating about papers we should be writing. I hope someone will honor that space. I hope it will be happy for someone else. I hope that it becomes a warm work home for someone.
It was still incredibly sad to see the space where I had invested so much of who I am completely devoid of any personality or spirit. I’m going to miss that desk.
For those who have asked for updates, the short version is:
I have turned in letters of support from fellow students and from professors and have been granted the opportunity to appeal. I have been told by parties in several different offices that the sucessful appeals can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Some parties have boasted about that and others sighed as they shared the news. I will be appealing regardless but am also desperately looking for jobs. I am sadder than I can even express. I loved going to school, I loved teaching and I was looking forward to finishing up work on my degree. If I had known any of this would happen I would have found a way to complete work this summer. It’s unfair and it’s really painful to have to deal with a suspension and be punished for years I was not here. But, life goes on. The story continues. We’ll see what’s coming up in the next chapter.
Bochinche Bilingüe: Borderlands Writing 