People who have known me for a while and those who love me will be the first to tell you that discernment is not one of my strengths. To put it mildly. Yes, soy pendeja. I’m the fool who was married to someone who cheated on me throughout the years of our relationship and I had no clue. Yes, I’m the same one who thought it was a good idea to get involved with an alcoholic (oh and then another…) except I didn’t realize they were pretty much alcoholics until I was all up in the mess. I’m the same one who didn’t realize the obessive codependent clusterfuck of a butch I was dating for a minute had DRAMA written all over him. Yep, that would be me.
See, my problem has been that I would get really sucked in by the Potential I see in people. I can look at someone and see God in them. That’s amazing and beautiful. And I love myself for it. What I hope for is to balance that perspective with some more reality. I may see the amazing, loving, caring, transluscent being who is made in the image of God but I have to also learn to see the whole package. Potential is great. I’d rather date reality.
My butch guru and bestie Cookieboi has become my inner voice of reason at times. He has called me out more times than I care to think about, nothing is too sacred, not the relationship with his buddy (bros over hos be damned) which he declared disaster in the making and so it was; not my off again on again fling which he repeatedly addressed with an efficient “what the fuck are you still doing dating that fucknut?” Some of his pearls of wisdom from my dating experiences have included:
“If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. The end.” Ouch! He was right.
“Why the fuck do you want to win? You don’t want the prize!!!” Oh. Well shit. He was right. I didn’t.
“She doesn’t deserve you.” Hmmm. Who knew? Right again.
“I will personally kick your ass if you go out with that boi again.”
“You want I should kick his ass?” (Usually this in response to my weepy tale of some butch’s asshattery)
I was talking to someone recently who was surprised to hear how my dating life is going these days. I’ve been single for two years now. I’ve had a few close calls but nothing serious. I have dated quite a bit though. And I’ve had fun doing it. But I know better than to jump into shit. Recently I haven’t been dating much. I have been out on a few dates in the last months. First dates. No seconds. As I was telling someone about one of my dates (who beeteedoubleyou was HAWT!) and how it just had DISASTER written all over it I realized what has changed for me. I don’t have to kiss ‘em to know they’re a frog. I don’t need to come back for a second date. I don’t need to take that pause to make up some excuse for the bullshit I see right off the bat. Is it possible? Have I actually been putting into use a bit of discernment?!
Don’t get me wrong, there are still a few people whose potential I am mesmerized by. I just know by now to stay the fuck away from them. They are not good for me right now. And at least one of those people I don’t think I will ever allow into my life again in any capacity. He used up his chances. Love him, forgave him, and I can honestly say I harbor no ill will but I just don’t think he can be in my life without hurting me. I kissed that frog and I’m over it.
Those people whose potential I am mesmerized by have taught me so much. Those people whose potential I love/d also love/d me. And they taught me through that how I was being unkind to see only their potential and not their reality. They could have potentially been loves of my life but in reality were just broken people running from (or toward) their own demons. By loving their potential I was asking them to be someone they couldn’t be at that time. So I have released them from my life.
And I learned, from them, from my many first dates, from my smart butch friend, that I don’t have to be guarded, I don’t have to shut down, I don’t have to build walls to keep people out, I just have to use my brain and follow my instincts. When in doubt I just call my buddy who will tell me what’s up. When in doubt I’ll think about how my mother would react to someone. When in doubt I try to be my own best friend and think, is that the person I want my best friend to invest in?
I don’t have to kiss them to know they’re a frog. So I date even more selectively than ever, which means not very often at all but it’s okay. I’m sure the prince is out there and in the meanwhile I continue to be my sparkly princess self. It’s all good. No frogs need apply.